Honoring URSLF: Overcoming Perfectionism & Self Abandonment
Welcome to the first part of our deep dive into honoring urslf, not just as a concept but as a daily practice. As a health coach, I see so many of us struggling with perfectionist tendencies, feeling resentful, and having a hard time communicating our true needs and desires. We often play the peacekeeper, avoid rocking the boat, and find ourselves perpetually worried about the future. Sound familiar? Let’s explore why we do this and how we can start breaking free from these patterns.
The Root of the Issue: Attachment vs. Authenticity
Renowned physician and author Gabor Maté says, "People have two needs: attachment and authenticity. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity." This means that from a young age, we learn to prioritize our relationships over our true selves. We categorize what is acceptable and suppress the parts of ourselves that might threaten our bonds with others. This is why so many of us struggle to show up authentically in our relationships.
We end up believing that our emotions are burdens for others to manage, that we need to be perfect to be loved, and that it’s not okay to have needs. This leads to self-abandonment, where we ignore our own needs for the sake of acceptance and fear of rejection.
Understanding Self-Abandonment
Self-abandonment is when we suppress our true selves to avoid conflict or rejection. We say yes when we mean no, we stay silent when we need to speak up, and we put others' needs above our own. It’s a survival mechanism we developed to feel safe and loved, but it’s also what holds us back from living authentically.
Knowing our boundaries and our needs is crucial. Before we can set limits or communicate desires, we need to understand what makes us feel seen, heard, and loved. This requires self-knowledge, self-compassion, and a willingness to be vulnerable.
The Courage to Set Boundaries
One common misconception is that we need to fully understand our needs before we can communicate them. In reality, self-knowledge often comes through the practice of setting boundaries and expressing our needs. It’s about risking rejection and showing our nervous systems that we can survive it.
For example, instead of pre-packaging your emotions to make them more palatable, try expressing them in the moment. If something someone says hurts you, say, "I’m not sure why, but that really hurt my feelings." You don’t need to have it all figured out to communicate your emotions.
Exercise: Reconnecting with Your Body
Take a moment to recall a memory that triggered an emotional response. Perhaps a time when you didn’t speak up for yourself, said yes when you meant no, or struggled to communicate your feelings.
Close your eyes and imagine the memory.
Where do you feel it in your body?
Anger, resentment, withdrawal, guilt, hurt, feeling powerless or confused, drained, or dissociated are clues that self-abandonment has occurred.
Start paying closer attention to when you feel these emotions. Turn up your awareness dial, pause, and feel into the heightened emotions and bodily sensations. Follow the thread from the primary emotion to deeper, more nuanced feelings. What is really happening for you?
Self-abandonment and codependency recovery are not easy journeys, but they are essential for living an authentic life. It’s about understanding and honoring your true self, even when it feels risky. Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll dive deeper into practical tools and exercises to help you honor urslf in real-time relationships.