Rethinking New Year’s Resolutions: Why Self-Blame Isn’t the Answer
It’s the end of January. You made a resolution. Maybe it was to wake up early, exercise daily, eat healthier, or spend less time on your phone. But now, here you are—skipping workouts, indulging in comfort foods, mindlessly scrolling. And what do you say to yourself?
"You’re so weak."
"You have no willpower."
"Why can’t you just stick to it?"
These thoughts are automatic. They feel true. But they’re not.
Why We “Fail” Our Resolutions
Breaking a resolution isn’t about weakness—it’s about something deeper. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, describes how we all have different “parts” within us. These parts, shaped by past experiences, often have conflicting desires. One part of you genuinely wants to change, but another part resists. That resistance isn’t sabotage—it’s protection.
The truth is, we all have ways of numbing out. Some turn to food, alcohol, work, social media, or even perfectionism. Not because we lack willpower, but because we have feelings we cannot tolerate—shame, worthlessness, fear of being unlovable. These feelings often stem from childhood wounds we don’t even realize we carry.
The Parts of Ourselves That We Push Away
IFS calls these wounded parts exiles—the parts of ourselves that hold painful emotions. Rather than feeling those emotions, we use coping mechanisms to suppress them. Even depression, rage, or self-sabotage can be more comfortable than facing deep-seated beliefs like “I’m not good enough.”
So when you “fail” a resolution, what if, instead of shame, you got curious?
What part of me is resisting this change?
What is it trying to protect me from?
How can I listen to it with compassion instead of criticism?
A Different Approach to Change
Instead of making resolutions from a place of self-punishment, try approaching them with self-inquiry and flexibility.
Reframe “failure” as feedback. If you’re struggling, it doesn’t mean you’re weak—it means there’s something deeper going on. What’s the unmet need?
Make space for self-compassion. Instead of berating yourself, imagine speaking to a child who feels discouraged. How would you encourage them?
Create sustainable goals. Instead of an all-or-nothing mindset, start with small, compassionate shifts. If you miss a workout, that doesn’t mean the week is ruined. If you overindulge, you’re not “off track”—you’re human.
Recognize that change is a process. Growth isn’t linear. It involves setbacks, learning, and trying again. Your inner critic may scream, but you don’t have to believe everything it says.
The Resolution That Matters Most
The most powerful resolution you can make this year isn’t about weight loss, productivity, or cutting out sugar. It’s about treating yourself with the kindness you’ve always deserved.
What if, instead of beating yourself up for breaking a resolution, you resolved to be curious about what’s happening beneath the surface? To stop exiling parts of yourself and start understanding them?
Real change doesn’t come from shame—it comes from self-compassion. And that’s a resolution worth keeping.